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Recently, the topic of decorum has increasingly come to the foreground of discussions after political matters are exhausted. I was recently speaking with a dear friend, and we found ourselves discussing how often people make assumptions about others, projecting their expectations onto them without considering individual perspectives. Here are some scenarios that illustrate these dynamics.
Scenario One:
You’re invited to a friend’s birthday dinner at a restaurant. Although it wasn’t explicitly stated, you assume that since other women are joining the celebration, everyone will chip in to cover the birthday girl’s tab. The party is wonderful, but when the check arrives, those who ordered multiple alcoholic drinks suggest splitting the bill evenly—even though some of us only had a single glass of wine. I speak up, proposing that we split the birthday girl’s tab while each guest pays for their own order. I reached this decision because I don’t drink, while others indulged in expensive wines and spirits. In my view, it’s an abuse of friendship to expect others to cover such high-end expenses. Unless a payment plan is discussed in advance, everyone should assume responsibility for their individual tab, splitting only the honoree’s costs. I’ve been in this position enough times to realize that some people run up the liquor bill with the assumption that those who “can afford it” should foot the bill for their indulgences. That’s simply not fair.
Scenario Two:
Once again, we go out for dinner and drinks. The bill arrives, and everyone looks at me, assuming I’ll cover it because I have done so on past occasions—though I always made it clear in advance when I intended to pay for drinks and dessert. This time, I hadn’t said a word about picking up the tab. When the check came and all eyes were on me, I was annoyed. I calmly clarified, “I didn’t mention paying tonight because I’m not.”
Scenario Three:
I host a cozy dinner for a friend at my home, taking care of the flowers, food, drinks, and entertainment. It’s a mixed-gender party with people arriving solo, mingling, and some pairing off. Everyone is grown, and I make sure there’s a designated driver for those needing one. During the evening, I notice one friend missing, but think little of it; she could be anywhere around the property. Then, another guest tells me, “We have a situation.” It turns out our missing friend had passed out from drinking too much and then stepping into the sauna, causing her to overheat. We rushed her to the emergency room, thankfully with friends who stayed to manage the party while I accompanied her to the hospital.
Scenario Four:
When we were young and ambitious, we received an invitation to an exclusive party hosted by an associate in a prestigious neighborhood. Each of us arrived with a date or spouse, and we had even asked the host to extend the invitation to an acquaintance, which they graciously did. Imagine our shock and embarrassment when this acquaintance was discovered in a compromising situation in the bathroom, attracting a small crowd of guests before the host intervened. This was disrespectful, not only to our host’s generosity but also to our group as a whole.
Scenario Five:
In my professional life, I often interact with highly influential people. Occasionally, I work with professionals hired to provide services for our clients. It’s surprising, however, when these individuals try to hustle the clients—attempting to secure future business from them independently, without considering that they’re there to represent the hiring company. Such actions, overstepping professional boundaries, could easily jeopardize future work with us. A more appropriate approach would have been to ask if introductions could be made, ensuring any potential business is conducted in a proper, respectful manner.
Problem:
In each situation, the individuals acted out of ignorance, envy, or a sense of entitlement, assuming that those with more resources should take responsibility for their indulgences. Scenarios One and Two reveal the assumption that those who make more money should cover the costs for those who cannot afford their own luxuries. If someone knows their budget, they should stick to it—or, if needed, ask for help from a friend in advance. Assuming others will pay is rude and entitled.
In Scenario Three, the guest who overindulged was inconsiderate of both the host and other guests, putting herself in danger and creating a disruption. Adults must take responsibility for their behavior; hosts would be wise not to extend further invitations to such individuals.
Scenario Four illustrates behavior that was uncouth and disrespectful, especially given that these were grown adults, not teenagers. Such actions risked embarrassing the very people who had vouched for them.
Finally, Scenario Five highlights the importance of understanding class, boundaries, and professional decorum. Professionals who overstep boundaries and inappropriately seek new business on the job risk losing future opportunities. Proper protocol would have been to request an introduction, ensuring professional courtesy is maintained.
Solution:
Observe those who are successful in the circles you wish to enter, and seek out a mentor. Ask them to share insights on the nuances and behaviors that can either make or break you in such environments.
Visionary Kai EL´ Zabar has worked as CEO of arts organizations and as editor, writer and multimedia consultant accumulating a significant number of years in experience as an executive, journalist,publisher, public relations, media training, marketing, internal and external communications. Kai currently continues her life’s work as Editor-in-Chief Of Chicago News Weekly where she has resumed her column, “E NOTES.” She is ecstatic to be in the position to grace Chicago and the world with a publication that articulates the Black voice.