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Dear Young (Black) Women,
Know your power and take hold of it to manifest your best life—for yourself and for all those to whom you contribute as a mentor, someone others admire, and as an example of what a woman is through her actions. I urge you to take time to love yourself, to learn what true love is, and to understand that you must love yourself first before you can truly love anyone else. Hair, makeup, BBLs, or expensive clothing and shoes cannot and will not compensate for a lack of self-worth. Without self-love, the deficiency will always drag you down. Not knowing your value is like a malignant parasite that eats you alive from the inside out.
Observing many young women, I am inclined to ask where they got the idea that their obscene, sexually provocative appearance—resembling or characteristic of a promiscuous persona—was acceptable.
In Los Angeles, I’d often see young women dressed like Beyoncé on stage, pushing baby strollers down the street. I’d wonder: Don’t they realize Beyoncé doesn’t dress like that in her daily life outside of performances? Obviously, the answer is no.
Kevin Samuels, an image and lifestyle influencer, was known for his direct, often controversial, messaging. As an image consultant, he frequently asked women who called his show for dating advice to rate themselves based on what he called their perceived "sexual marketplace value"—a term akin to ‘mate value,’ used to measure attractiveness in dating and relationships. He evaluated women based on age, dress size, height, and weight, as they related to this perceived value.
He always asked questions like: What’s your age? Do you have any children? Were you ever married? What’s your height? What’s your weight at your last weigh-in? What’s your dress size—and don’t say size 7! Most of the women he spoke with were overweight and had children.
For example, in one episode, a woman said she was 34 years old, 5’5”, weighed 276 pounds at her last weigh-in, was educated, and earned a six-figure salary. Her goal? To attract a "man of value." Samuels was often criticized for being harsh because he spoke unfiltered truths. He told her, "Men of value do not marry women who are 5’5” and weigh almost 300 pounds."
He questioned her further, asking about her two-year-old child’s father—why they hadn’t married and what he did for a living. She said he had left because he no longer wanted to be with her and that he worked as a barber.
Samuels advised her to pursue an average man, noting that only 10% of men make six-figure salaries. Like many women who called his show, she believed she was on a path to attract a high-value man. She had a trainer, dietitian, and therapist. But Samuels directly asked, "Do you realize how many pounds you would need to lose to reach a healthy weight? And how long that would take? You’re already 34 years old." He explained that, from a man’s perspective, this diminished her “sexual marketplace value.” His advice? Find a good, average man.
I share this because Samuels believed—just as I do—that many women have unrealistically high standards for the men they desire to date. Women with Ph.D.s, as well as their blue-collar counterparts, often criticized men for lacking employable skills or being overweight. Watching his YouTube channel, I noticed he consistently asked the same questions.
He also strongly criticized the Black community for failing to uphold what he described as "traditional values." He pointed to high out-of-wedlock birth rates among Black Americans, which, aside from Native Americans, are significantly higher than other racial groups in the United States. Critics accused Samuels of misogynoir and aligning with the Black manosphere.
Though I sometimes found him coarse, the truth is that he spoke as a man to women who often hadn’t grown up with fathers. He frequently asked callers whether their mothers had been married, and too often, the answer was no. The absence of a father in the household profoundly affects both boys and girls. How can you learn how a man thinks, feels, and acts without a male role model?
Daughters of mothers who had no husbands often lean into fictional fairytales, believing their prince will come to rescue them. The problem is, they don’t have white skin, long blonde hair, or weigh 110 pounds. They also have little, if any, practice in engaging meaningfully with men. Often, they are insecure and in need of love and attention, becoming sexually active too soon and unprepared for the responsibility of raising the babies that are conceived. Their female role models have often had the same experiences, perpetuating a cycle. Meanwhile, pop culture has misled them into believing that “big” is synonymous with curvy when, in reality, it’s often a euphemism for obesity.
Let’s be clear: Lizzo is not curvy—she’s overweight, and that’s unhealthy. Monique once coined the phrase “skinny white b’s” and rallied around the "hefty heavies." But when it came time for her to attend the 2010 Academy Awards, she worked hard to achieve noticeable weight loss. Today, she has lost 100 pounds for her health. Star Jones similarly pretended to be fine with her weight until she got engaged. She underwent surgery to lose weight so she could look good on her wedding day.
My point is this: love yourself as you are, but don’t deceive yourself into thinking it’s “cool” to be obese. It’s not. It’s unhealthy. And don’t believe a Prince Charming is coming to rescue you. He’s not. It’s dangerous to live in such fantasies because that prince you’re imagining is looking for Barbie.
Young women, it takes self-love, self-respect, and a clear mindset to distinguish good men from bad ones and to achieve your dreams. You can’t seriously think it’s okay to walk around half-naked with the bottoms of your buttocks hanging out of cut-off jeans and expect no man to view or approach you with a sexual predator’s mindset. What decent man wants his woman on his arm wearing a sheer, see-through dress that leaves nothing to the imagination? Your choices in how you present yourself will determine the kind of man you attract.
And please, as Samuels would often say, don’t deceive yourself into thinking Beyoncé got Jay-Z by dressing like that. Did she? You’re confusing her stage clothes with her everyday attire. Beyoncé works in a highly competitive industry where those fashion choices are about the “wow factor” for performance. However, outside of that context, women should aim to appear beautiful, sexy, sophisticated, elegant, and stunning—not screaming “slut persona.” It doesn’t bode well, nor does it attract the kind of attention you truly desire.
Identify a woman you admire and respect and seek her out as a mentor. That’s a start. I also suggest reading about successful women, observing their style, demeanor, and way of speaking. And be clear: a man of value does not like a woman with a potty mouth.
Visionary Kai EL´ Zabar has worked as CEO of arts organizations and as editor, writer and multimedia consultant accumulating a significant number of years in experience as an executive, journalist,publisher, public relations, media training, marketing, internal and external communications. Kai currently continues her life’s work as Editor-in-Chief Of Chicago News Weekly where she has resumed her column, “E NOTES.” She is ecstatic to be in the position to grace Chicago and the world with a publication that articulates the Black voice.